"What the F*ck is leadership?" In Three Acts - Pt. V
The final installment in my essay series about leadership.
Yesterday I got the results of a 360 review from twelve people: bosses, peers, and direct reports.
Every group rated me lower than I rated myself.
On every category.
And after several months and 37 essays I am finally ready to write part 5 in my “What the fuck is leadership?” series. The final part. The parts where I commit to what I think a good leader is.
Act 1 - Past
For years, I judged leaders by what I thought great leadership should look like. Then I became one.
In the beginning, I was measuring their merits against the ruler of my books, my knowledge, and what I perceived to be right. My own sense of corporate justice.
The leaders would say or do something and I’d think to myself,
“Well, that’s not what Brene Brown would do”
“Jocko Willink would think differently here.”
And maybe I was right. But I was certainly an armchair quarterback many days. Other days, boots-on-the-ground guy making guesses and gestures at the people above me.
And now I am a leader. I was a leader before. By example. By proxy. A steady force people could lean on and a bridge between perceived chaos and humble execution. A planner, an organizer, and a mover of resources.
We all meet a day where we begin to hold the full responsibility.
The responsibility of
“Where does this person want to go in life?”
“What about this person’s livelihood?”
And, in the extreme cases
“If this person doesn’t make it home, it is on me.”
I lead teams.
I lead a company.
I’ve never had more fun.
I love coaching. Being there for people. Feeling like someone walked into my office with a problem and walked out with an answer, some support, and the knowledge that they could come back if they need.
I love watching people grow. Starting a little lost, tired, bored, burnt out. Nourishing the growth of the person into a version of themselves unhindered, supplied, supported. Ready to go.
Getting work done and feeling good doing it.
Share this with someone who has coached you to be better.
Act 2 - The Dream
I lead the vision for a dream that I hold so dearly I feel like it might crush against my chest from the grasp of my arms and… at the same time, might float away in the wind if I let go for even just a second.
There is no money pressure. There is no deadline. There is no one saying get this done or, else. When you find something that serves your purpose and ignites the fires inside of you, not moving the needle feels like personal betrayal.
This has been the most stressed and tired I have ever been in my life.
Personally, Professionally, Emotionally. I am going through IT. I am, as the kids say, cooked. Maybe chopped? fuck it. Ohio? I’m something and it’s not ‘aura-farming’ or whatever.
There’s that quote running around in my head:
“Isn’t it beautiful to be tired from something you love?”
To which I think…
“Wouldn’t more milk duds and a nap be nice though?”
This past week we completed our first full day pilot of our Leading with an Edge Workshop with an amazing client. 10/10 experience.
We’ve done lots of coaching and other, smaller pilots before but nothing like this with fully polished everything.
Watching your dream come to life before your eyes is so so so satisfying.
There’s something about pouring everything I have into Kestryl Edge and then getting to see it sculpted from seemingly nothing. Magic!
During the workshop we give a module on values. What they are, how we find them, what it looks like to make decisions based off them, how we lead with our values, etc., etc.
And I shared two stories about myself about discovering my values, Grit and Wisdom.
I teared up and nearly fully broke down in front of the workshop attendees because I was sharing some thoughts from inside myself that were so true and raw. I had written these stories late at night, tired, using half my brain to just get things crossed off. And I guess in that half-state I wasn’t self editing. I wasn’t putting my thoughts through the filter of “what is my audience going to think” or even “hmm.. how do these emotions sound out loud?”
So there I am, in front of the room. With no other script to go off, reading aloud the stories about growing up thinking I was unworthy of love unless I worked hard enough I could earn it.
Stories about going home to drink and eat my feelings for letting people walk all over me.
The feeling of hating myself for not being able to stand up for myself in the ways my soul desperately wanted.
Thank god I had a co-facilitator.
The workshop went well. Very well. They learned from us. They laughed. Enjoyed themselves. I learned from them.
And I came away with a sense of self confidence that I think I made the right choice in a business to start.
That was Monday, June 15th.
Share this post with someone who is aura farming.
Act 3 - My Answer
Wednesday morning, June 17th, I’m opening up my recent 360 review to go over the 15 domains of EQ skills, my personal ranking, and where ~12 of my peers, seniors, and direct reports grade me.
I get feedback all the time. I eat it up. I am coachable and I pride myself on being able to see wisdom. To prune and grow in directions that serve me.
And so when I received my 360 review feedback this week I knew the feedback wasn’t the only reason why I had converged on an answer to “What the fuck is leadership?”
I have been wondering about this for years. And it is cosmic in a way that this week is the week where I feel confident in an answer.
And I scored myself higher than all other respondents on every single item.
The open question feedback was a mixed bag of some really nice compliments, some good assessments of where I am strong and where I can grow. And one person said:
“Anyone lower than him, he asks their opinion. But only asks to make us feel comfortable and does not listen anyway.”
Performative empathy.
Performative.
I’ve talked for hours in workshops and podcasts about the merits of authentic empathy and I have someone in my charge who perceives me to be performative.
Fuck. Me.
reading that I’ve made someone feel not heard makes me feel small
I sat there and thought for a bit. Quiet. Drinking my coffee and hoping with more alertness, I would read the sentence correctly. Disbelief.
Then defensiveness.
“Well, self-report studies aren’t useful anyways and that’s the problem with 360’s is if someone doesn’t take it seriously they just write whatever they want!”
“Wait, can I figure out who wrote that? Then maybe it will make sense.”
Then I began to feel the acknowledgment set in.
The shell feeling of believing you are one thing and being presented evidence to the contrary.
Do I go crawl into a hole and stay there until I forget?
My internal lie is that I am not worthy. I am not enough.
And in making Kestryl Edge my biggest fear is that I am not enough of a leader to be able to ask others to be better themselves.
And in wondering about the journey of leadership and learning all these skills I think are necessary to leadership I think about the oaths of the Knights Radiant from Stormlight Archives, “Journey before destination.”
All leaders who are working on themselves are on a journey. One with no start line. Certainly no finish. And therefore just position and momentum. Like a particle the leader can only be observed where they are or know firmly where they are headed but not both clearly at the same time. Which is unsettling because you don’t get credit for where you’re going.
So here it is. My answer to what a good leader is.
There are leaders who are followable and there are leaders who are worth looking up to.
Good leadership is punk rock.
And the best leaders work on themselves so they can earn the right to ask others to become better.
Leadership is inviting others to greatness and accepting your own invitation first.
The end.
What a beautiful piece of writing! Loved all the honesty you gifted us with - it's not always easy to share such feelings and discoveries with the world and I'm so glad you did. :) And this is a great shareable quote right there: "And the best leaders work on themselves so they can earn the right to ask others to become better."
Beautiful and congrats on the workahop, they’re exhausting and fun in equal measures. Welcome to the world I love.